I woke up Monday morning with an email notification from my Nurse reviewing my Peace Corps application. What I thought was going to be information in regards to my TB spot test because I had uploaded it to the wrong file. While the first message confirmed about the test and that it was no longer a concern to worry about, the second message informed me that I was no longer able to serve in the Peace Corps. I closed my eyes and my laptop and breathed in deeply. Eric was there, and he looked at me and stopped what he was doing and immediately asked me what was wrong. I gave him my laptop, my password, and he read the message and covered his mouth.
I was unable to serve and had to withdraw my invitation due to my inability to pass the medical clearance. Due to recent physical diagnosis and previous mental diagnosis, I would need to spend the next year stabilizing both before I could apply again. My heart is broken. While I had my reservations about the Peace Corps as a neocolonial form of power and domination, it does do less harm than other forms of capitalistic ventures. I wanted to go to China, and I wanted to go with a lifelong dream of joining the Peace Corps.
I don’t think that anyone can prepare you to adjust to this kind of new reality. The closeness of being accepted, but suddenly due to certain genetic predisposition, environmental factors, and lack of access to health care throughout the majority of your life, to not have it anymore, hurts. I’d like to joke and say I still have my health, but even that has come into a bit of a question for me. To some extent, I feel like a failure. To another, I feel like a liar. Neither is true, at least this is what my doctors, and mother, and friends tell me.
I’m bad at processing my feelings, at least I’m bad at letting them exist in their primal state. I like to add other facts and statistics and bring in other world events and phenomena. Sitting with my feelings is hard and complicated and messy and something I’ve avoided my entire life, but maybe a list will help. So, here it goes.
1. I am sad
2. I am disappointed
3. I blame myself
4. I blame my shitty genetics from my biological parents whom I will probably never meet
5. I feel guilty for blaming things that they cannot control
6. I blame the working class environment growing up
7. I feel guilty for not being grateful enough for what I had
8. Capitalism sucks
9. I am scared. I have never had to wait longer than a few weeks to a month in limbo. I get anxious, and the unknown terrifies me
10. I am not resentful. I know that what has happened is not in control. I understand the desire for stability in volunteers, and I understand the necessity of stability to live.
11. Ya girl’s looking for a job, so please hire me.
12. I’m just sad. There’s no other feeling left to say.